Meow, everybody, my name is Tabitha the Tabby. I am cat, hear me roar. So listen, my owners (lovely people, Eddie and Mae) just bought a new couch from Room & Board. I know you fancy types call them “sofas” but I’m a cat, formerly of the street, so I say “couch.” Anyhoo, I am very disappointed with it. They got one called Watson and I hate it. Number one, the main reason they chose that couch was because they used to have a dog named Watson. I mean, who chooses a couch based on the name? If we only owned things that had the names of something we once loved, I would have a cat bed named Dead Mouse I Found Under the Porch. Well, before they bought Watson (I can’t with that name) they brought home a bunch of fabric swatches for me to play with. Their Design Associate told them they should be looking at fabrics with a lot of polyester and acrylic or maybe a microfiber since they had a cat. Rude. Like this Design Associate really even knows my behavior.
My favorite fabric was Vance Snow. It was 90% cotton and I thought it was really soft for me to curl up on. Also, since it was so white, I thought my hairballs would look great on them. They’d really “pop,” you know? I also loved the Tannon Flax which was 85% cotton: just enough cotton for me to be able to puke on it and let it really soak in. I was also quite attracted to Orla Ivory because it had a lot of texture for me to get my claws under it and pull it apart. Eddie and Mae bought me a scratching post but why would I use that when they have perfectly good furniture for me to destroy? Tamm was another fabric I liked. Although it seemed like it would be easy to shred, it was too dark and I didn’t think my cat hair would be seen enough on it.
They eventually decided on something called Sunbrella Charcoal. Great for them, bad for me. It’s way too dark so every time I shed some cat hair, you can’t even see it. The fibers are so closely woven together that it’s near impossible for me to claw at it. And to top it off, it was originally designed for outdoor furniture, so it’s waterproof and really hard to stain. Thanks, Room & Board. You have really made my job of ruining furniture extremely difficult.